A Letter Not Posted - (3)

Few letters just don't find their place in the letter box...

Dear Wife,

This is my first letter to you. Perhaps if I’d known the art of letter writing before, I would’ve written one to my long lost sweetheart and would’ve been married to her today, instead of you. Anyhow, time is not lost, I am yet to turn 30, and so I am leaving home and going to a faraway place to get married to her anyway. I thought I would leave you few words of wisdom, incase you ever need them. But since you’re always stressing on how wise you are, I doubt you’d ever go beyond this sentence. The first time that I saw you, your square face and your protruding eyes took me aback. However, when I was made aware of your bank balance, I realized there are times in life when you need to sacrifice some to get some. Hence, I married you. Your mother has always been a pain in just about everything I own. Your father has never failed to look down upon me. The only thing I like about him is this castle-like house that he left us. It is my decency that I am letting it stay with you, but don’t worry, this is just about everything I am leaving behind.

Oh yes, also find enclosed some money that would be just about enough to transfer you back into your mother’s home, incase you decide to do so. That witch! Compared to you, she still seems like an angel though.

Incase you noticed, all the cars are gone from the garage, courtesy yours truly. Also, you thought I never knew your expensive jewels were hidden at the end of the walking closet, in the mothball stinking drawer, third from the bottom. Well I did, dear wife. So if you bother to walk down there, you will notice that your jewels will no longer stink of the mothballs, since they’re with me now.Even though you’d gained 20kgs ever since our marriage, I’ve always complimented on your figure” I need not explain why anymore, do I honey? I know life is tough, but for you it’d be simple. I know you had designs on that distant cousin of yours, perhaps you can marry him now. He looks like a pig anyway. You both would make the perfect couple.

You cook worse than Mrs. Sharma. Incase you’re wondering how on Earth did I ever get a chance to eat Mrs. Sharma’s cooking, well, don’t bother asking. Anyway, I am out of this caged world and am free, and how!

I am placing this letter in the makeup kit, as I know how often you use it. So as I finish this letter with the expensive Cartier pen you loved so, I have all but one thing left to say — Screw You!

Never Yours, Me.