Timepass in a Mumbai Local

Those in the know, and I am one of them, claim that there are only four ways to travel to work in Mumbai. Predictably, we will call these “Fourth class”, “Third class”, “Second class” and “First class”. I can already see the editors searching for the shredder under their desk; but we are digressing. The position at which you stand, rather hang, at the door determines your class with the best being right next to the door, facing forward. There are many advantages to this. For one, you have an uninterrupted flow of wind. Other classes, which stand right behind the first one, get an increasingly polluted supply of air full of armpit odour, shedding hair and other such substances that you wouldn’t mind if you are having sex but definitely would otherwise.

The other advantage is that you feel one with the locomotive. Also, since you can’t do anything with your hands or feet, you have nothing better to do but think. Think, Dream; whatever. So that’s where I am right now. I am thinking while my hands and feet ensure that I will think tomorrow too.’Another important thing that should be recorded - You have to look straight ahead. If your sight strays to the side, you will get an uninterrupted view of the world’s largest public loo. The Mumbai local tracks. Bare behinds blasting forth bulbous excreta is not my idea of morning entertainment. If that’s the case with you too, then you look straight ahead.

Talking about entertainment, I saw “American Beauty” the other day. Loved it. Fully recommend it to all community members (is that what we are??). The characters are beautifully delineated. It has the self-glorification-through-self-pity kind of humour that Americans have perfected over the past few years. “We are so screwed up and yet we are so great!” In any case, the movie shows a snapshot of a dysfunctional society using a few magnified dysfunctional families. A friend of mine claimed that it is wonderful that Indian values have prevented us from being like this. I don’t think so. We are just yet to reach that stage of development to afford dysfunctionality.

Development is all not all bad. At least the train-potters would get decent loos to relieve themselves. And I wouldn’t have to stand in a train and go to work everyday. Just stay at home and work. Only “First Class”. Unless you are married. But that’s another story.’’